Thursday, June 23, 2016

Man and Wife ArguingHusband: What’s that member’s name who gave that large contribution last Sunday?
Wife: How should I know?  Who listens to such wind bags who try to impress people with their giving?
Husband: Say, I just thought of something.  We sold that north side property for $145,000, right?
Wife: Yes.  Soooo?
Husband: Why don’t we give $45,000 this Sunday and tell them that’s the total amount we got for the property?  Then we can buy that loaded SUV you wanted with the rest of the money and we’ll still out give that member whose two names we can’t recall.
Wife: Why give $45,000 to the church?  Why not cut it down to $30,000 and use the extra $15,000 for a glorious months vacation overseas?  We’ll still out give that member’s contribution and we’ll be the talk of the church!
Husband: Good idea.  It’ll still be a sufficient amount that no one will question us concerning the real total we received for the property.  Hey, honey, I think I’ll go to the early service and give the $30,000.  Are you ready?
Wife: No, sweety.  I’m not ready.  I’ll go to the second service and make my grand entrance which will be enhanced even more so by our liberal gift.  I wish I could go with you.  I’d like to see the surprise on the face of the preacher when you put that $30,000 gift at his feet.  I’ll bet everyone will be flabbergasted by our offering.  No one has ever given that amount at any service since the church began.
Husband: You could go with me if you were not so persnickety about having your makeup on so perfectly and wasting all that time trying to find the right dress with the correct shoes!
Wife: I guess you want me to go looking like some of our lower classed members who live in those houses that cost less than $150,000, who buy their clothes at Walmart, and drive those inexpensive Ford, Chevrolet, or Chrysler chariots?
Husband: Don’t start in on me again.  I get tired of hearing your harangues!
Wife: Harangue?  You certainly don’t think it is a harangue if I keep my figure looking good.  You don’t think it is ranting if I enhance these expensive clothes like I do.  You don’t accuse me of haranguing because I know how to dress, walk, and can still turn heads with my beauty!
Husband: Yea, yea, yea.

At Church

Husband, talking to himself: I can’t wait for the collection.  When I give this bag of gold worth $30,000, eyes are going to bulge, gasps will be heard, looks of dismay will appear, and I am going grin like the Cheshire cat and soak up all the accolades!  My wife should have been here.  She is going to miss it and it serves her right!  I’m so excited!!  Ah, I’ve laid it at the preacher’s feet with the bag fixed so the content will be exposed when it hits the floor!  Everyone will know it is a sizable amount!
Preacher: Ananias!
Husband: He called me by my name, but it doesn’t ring like it should if he had excitedly said,  “Wow, Ananias.  That much?”
Preacher: The preacher begins questioning him about his cover up.
Husband: How did he know?  Has my wife been bragging again to her friends and it’s gotten back to the preacher?  That loud mouthed wife!!
Preacher: Condemns the man for lying to God.
Husband: “What’s the preacher saying?  I’ve lied to God?”  The singular word tumbles quickly from his mouth.  “No!  No! N. . . . .”  But, he never finishes.

Three Hours Later

Wife: Oh, I am so excited.  When I make my entrance, watch how all the men look at me with admiration and how all the women wish secretly that I was dead!  But, where is Ananias?  That rascal didn’t stay like he was supposed to.  Wait until I get him at home.  I’m going to tell him a thing or. . .  Yes, preacher?
Preacher:  He begins asking questions.
Wife: “What did he accuse me of?  Lying?  Lying to God?  Testing the Spirit?  What did he say?  Did he say to those men that they have ‘Buried my husband?’  No!  No!  N. . .”  She never finished.

That evening, the early news program covered this event in a very negative way.  It was “The church that murders its members,” and “That church which has no compassion for its contributors.”  Soon there were demonstrations outside their assemblies and someone put a sign in the front yard, “A Non Political Correctness church!”  Yet, in spite of the criticism, it continued to grow (Acts 5:14)!